When I Grow Up

Always check your child's homework!

Mommy works at Home Depot, she was selling a shovel.

Holding Hands

Miss Beatrice

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

"Miss Beatrice." he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on your organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."

Redneck Christmas Tree

Might could be some very intelligent and green Rednecks! I absolutely love this idea and would even go as far as to make one.

MSNBC Keith Olbermann on Prop 8, Marriage and more!

Terminal Insensitivity

Ralph returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, Ralph asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love. About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?" Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, "Honey, please - just one more time before I die ?"

She says, "Of course, dear." and they make love for the third time.

After this session, the wife rolls over & falls asleep. Ralph, however, worried about his impending death, tosses & turns until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could....?"

At this point the wife rolls over and says, "Listen Ralph, I have to get up in the morning...you don't!"

Horsing Around

Married Life

Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be married, and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work. The conversation eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their sex lives. After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging in some S&M role playing.

The following week they met up again to compare notes. Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, "Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk right then and there!"

The engaged woman giggled and said, "That's pretty much my story! When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only made love all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!

The married woman put her glass down and said, "I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented- oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, 'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?'"

Mother of the Bride

Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement — not even her parents' nasty divorce. Her mother had found the perfect dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother-of-the-bride evah! A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother!

Jennifer asked her stepmother to exchange it, but she refused. "Absolutely not. I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it." she replied.

Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day."

A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it."

Her mother just smiled and replied, "Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding."

There's more!

The other day my neighbor, a blond, came running up to me in the driveway jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping so excitedly, but I thought, what the heck, and I started jumping up and down along with her.

She said, "I have some really great news!"

I said, "Great. Tell me why you're so happy." She stopped jumping and breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant. I knew she'd been trying for a while so I told her, "That's great I couldn't be happier for you!"

Then she said, "There's more!"

I asked, "What do you mean there's more?"

She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have twins!" Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew. She said "Well, the home pregnancy kit came with two tests and and both came out positive!"

Can you solve this puzzle?

You are riding on a beautiful white horse. On your left side is a drop off. On your right side are several ostriches being chased by a lion. In front of you are four large gazelles that won't get out of your way and you can't seem to overtake them. Behind you is a stampede of horses. What must you do to get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Click and drag your mouse from quote to quote for the answer.

Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round!

Canal City Hakata; Fukuoka, Japan

What Ever Happened To Baby Jane?

Freaky-Deaky!

Look at the spinning woman and if she is turning right your right side of your brain is working . If she is turning left your left side of your brain is working . If she turns both ways for you then you have a 160 or better IQ.

I had received this previously, before Forwards & Back Words and Pen > Sword. Thanks to Buster we can all trip on this again. I can't make it change direction; the direction change is best described as noticed. I still think my IQ is over 160!

Don't Judge Too Quickly

Halloween Humor

MENSA Invitational

Of course, I went looking for the original website and found Washington Post Style Invitational. Apparently, this email has been forwarded since 1998. Readers were asked to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

CASHTRATION

The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time

IGNORANUS

A person who is both stupid and an asshole

INTAXICATION

Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with

REINTARNATION

Coming back to life as a hillbilly

BOZONE

The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future

FOREPLOY

Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid

GIRAFFITI

Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

SARCHASM

The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

INOCULATTE

To take coffee intravenously when you are running late

OSTEOPORNOSIS

A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

KARMAGEDDON

It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

GLIBIDO

All talk and no action.

DOPELER EFFECT

The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

BEELZEBUG

Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

CATERPALLAR

The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

3 Reasons To Stop Drinking

The Vexed Ventriloquist

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blond jokes.

Suddenly, a blond woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid, blond jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blonds, but women in general..and all in the name of humor!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blond yells, "You stay out of this, Mister! I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!"

CSI: Kingdom of Leo

Leroy

A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailing 15 kids.

"WOW," the social worker exclaims, "Are they all yours?"

"Yep theyz all mine," the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, "Sit down Leroy." All the children rush to find seats.

"Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names."

"Well, to keep it simple, the boys are all named Leroy and the girls are all named Leighroy."

In disbelief, the case worker says, "Are you serious? They're ALL named Leroy?"

Their momma replies, "Well, yes - it makes it easier. When it's time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an they all comes a runnin'. An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Leroy!' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' 'em all Leroy."

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?"

"Then I calls them by their last names."

Trick? or Treat?